Wow, so I have finally after months of not believing I had anything worth saying decided to speak truth. I am a talker, or so I have been told, and for years have been the laughter in a room. But what was below the surface was a lot of pain, doubt, and self-hate. The light entered me two years ago in a very dark place and since that day I have been changing. That light and that truth will be the basis for my blog. That love of Jesus entering my life is where my life began.
I am a forty "something" female. Due to many factors, I have never been married, never had children, never learned how to love, and my idol was my work. All of these were factors in my life that made me daily question "Why am I here?". How do I fit into this cookie cutter world, how will I ever explain to people when they ask "why aren't you married, why don't you want kids, do you really want to be alone in a nursing home someday?". Yes I have heard all of those questions.
I am not a "normal" forty something women, or so I thought. I am still searching for my place in this world daily. I am trying to figure out where I fit it, will I ever want to be loved, and will I ever find out who Beth is?
I will travel through the truth of the Bible as I continue to write but for now I am going to start with a quick answer to "who is Beth?"
Not sure if everyone in the 70's had the little sign on there wall that said what their name meant but I did. In our little town there was a store called The Loft that sold these. I don't remember any of my friends not having these little wood signs. I am guessing there were those kids that didn't fall into the name file (which I am sure causes it's own therapy sessions), but there was Beth.
The meaning of Beth:
House or habitation. Dwelling place often followed by another word to create a place. Beth el = House of God. Beth = House or Dwelling
I look at my siblings and there are Joni "God is Gracious", Gregory "Watchful Vigilant", Joy (need I say more) and Steven "Crown"....I was a dwelling. To be truly honest this seems like such a little thing to worry about but I did. I didn't want to be a house and when trying to find your place in the world who really wants to be a house.
Two years ago I was at the lowest point of my life, I was searching for answers in my faith, my past, and my future. I decided to try a Bible Study. I did this alone, and not with a group, as I was not ready for the vulnerability of a group. Plus in my mind the church was full of wives, mothers, and grandmothers...not me. After some discussion with S.J, my counselor, I went with another Beth, Beth Moore. "Children of the Day" seemed like a good place to start,(not sure why but I believe that God knows and sometimes he is very clear!) Day 1, page 4..."If you know what your given name means, share it here. If you don't know what it means, consider doing some research.." For a moment I was thinking I knew the answer, and I didn't like it, but it said your whole name. I had never looked at that before and so goggle I did (millennial research).
Beth Ann, short and simple.
Beth = Dwelling of
Ann = Gracious/Merciful
Beth Ann, are you kidding! I am more than just "Dwelling of..." my heart now smiled, what a cool name! I had two definitions to work with, "Dwelling of Grace" "Dwelling of Mercy". My little house that was so sad was now filled with Grace and Mercy! How exciting! My journey was only beginning with Grace and Mercy!
This was such a simple little assignment but that is sometimes where God starts our story. Little questions, little Bible studies, little ways to serve him and little families in Christ.
I am not a writer, grammar expert, or theological expert...But I love Jesus, I am a Child of the One true King, and I want to share his love and HOPE.
So that is where it starts, just a name. For now while I am here I will love my name. I know that is was chosen for me before I was even born, and someday I will have a new name that only God knows! If he had that much love in my short term name I can only imagine what my forever name will be!
Revelation 3:12 (NKJV) "He who overcomes, I will make him a pillar in the temple of My God, and he shall go out no more. I will write on him the name of My God and the name of the city of My God, the New Jerusalem, which comes down out of heaven from My God. And I will write on him My new name."